Metrolog

For years I avoided ingesting pop music, and whenever I heard it, I wondered why people would be duped for such stuff, but because I've had to deal with it for projects, I can see why people fall for it.

The "good" pop music has a hook that anyone throughout the world can relate to, and since there's been extreme consolidation in the music biz, they need to churn out international hits. So they dilute the music, and keep it positive and totally accessible, so it never requires people to think or question. Because thinking is painful, and people don't want that. They want to coast through life and become successful consumers, and pop music helps to smooth the path.

I had to meet someone a couple Saturdays ago in Hyde Park near the University of Chicago, and I was already on the southwest side, so I asked some folks who live around there which street I should take, and they suggested 55th, since that also cuts right in the middle of Hyde Park and University of Chicago. Pulaski was too backed up to take north to 55th, so I got on 79th, which was oddly not busy. And then I found out why.

At first, the street was pretty normal, with businesses and cars, and people doing their errands, but then the stores thinned out and eventually there weren't many, or if there were, they were decrepit and probably hardly used. I had to drive carefully because people randomly crossed the street, even if their light was red. I went north on Cottage Grove, thinking it would be better than 79th, but there were even more burned-out stores with faded signs and a long series of low-rise section 8 housing that I thought were low-rise projects. There was even a faded ghost of a theater, and the only way I knew what it was was by the shape of it because all the windows were boarded up, and nothing existed on the marquee, not even the marquee itself. It was a shell of what it used to be, and I wondered why they hadn't torn it down or even bothered to paint it. The bottom line is that there was probably no one for miles around who would be able to buy it, and even if they did, there'd be no one to go there, even though there were a lot of people milling around.

Then I saw a white house on the west side of the street, where guys were sitting around on the side porch talking, and it looked out of place, like the kind of house that would exist in the country, or even in a decent suburb. They were talking as if there was no chaos or confusion around them. The street seemed to be a shadow of its former self, even if there wasn't much there, and the commercialism was really a weak attempt to make the area look like it was even slightly productive.

Then I reached the outskirts of University of Chicago, and I could tell that I was approaching the campus and its related residential area because all of a sudden, the housing was clean and organized, and the street started to make sense. And coming out of that island was a healthy looking, educated, comfortable yuppie-type guy, who was jogging in clean and pressed clothes, and I thought, "Where can he run? To the ghetto just a few blocks away?" Was he aware of the area south of his island, and did he care?

The island of education and privilege was complemented with the NPR show I was listening to, which featured correspondents who sounded like the distant-hearted, smug, educated upper suburban people who like to dip into inner city life once in a while to observe its inhabitants and say a few words to them in order to file reports of what they've seen, so they can prove they're in touch with the city. And the report I had just listened to was about soul food in Chicago, which I had passed on 79th at about the same time they mentioned the name. I turned around when I heard it, because I had passed signs with "soul food" on them, just before I had to stop at a light. But I couldn't tell if it was the same place.

So yeah, University of Chicago is an island surrounded by a lot of run-down emptiness and despair. That's my report, and I'm not pretending to understand the situation or have any real insight.

I was just chatting with someone who's in Korea, and even though they're not having the best time due to a job that isn't all that exciting, just hearing about their adventures there made me realize that I miss expat life.

When I lived in Japan, there was no Internet, so once we were abroad, we were really there, and we had the phone, and snail mail, and that's it. So we had to deal with the culture head-on, and it wasn't easy, but what I liked about it was that I got to meet other people who were on an adventure, and it was easier to meet people because we were all living in a challenging situation, and it made us bond more. I am still good friends with another American I met in Japan, and it's like time never passed. Unfortunately, we don't live in the same city, but we can call each other any time, and it's like we never left. The struggle of living there and the fun we had made us friends, and that hasn't changed, even though many years have passed.

I was very glad to get back to the U.S. because it's a very good place to be female and free. But there's a lot of distance between people, and once you live abroad, it changes you. Well, actually, once you live abroad and you've participated in life there and aren't living the American life there with a shallow existence, you change. I became more of an independent individual, and ironically, even though American culture supposedly cares about individuality, there's a lot of conformity here, which means you end up being perceived as pretty weird.

Another thing about being abroad is that you have to take on new challenges to thrive, and it pays off. Back in the U.S., my experience, insight, and skills didn't really matter until I got into radio, which is a dying industry (for many reasons, which is for another post). So I lived abroad, met cool people, learned a lot, became much smarter, more perceptive, and individualistic, but it didn't really help all that much when I got back. And it's taken a while to find folks who are unique and aren't going to judge others because they haven't fit into some pre-determined idea of what people "should" be.

Some people deal with this by writing or painting or whatever, and I'd like to capture what I gained in some kind of expat story, but I have yet to master it. But now that I touched base with that expat friend of mine, I'm going to try again because I'm not going to let the expat life disappear in distant memories.

Whenever I see commercials with a good looking couple, at first it looks appealing and plausible (since that's the commercial's purpose), but then I realize that the woman is probably totally insecure and thinks badly of herself.

I just saw a commercial where a couple of thin, wispy, seemingly androgynous people were rolling around on and near a bed. Even though they were connected, they seemed detached, and it reminded me of some couples I see around town, especially Wicker Park and other artistic areas. The people don't eat and keep a distance from the world and each other, perhaps to assess what's around them in order to create. They don't make eye contact and they seem not to speak in their own voice, but instead adopt a detached cool voice that will keep them safe behind social gates.

I've also met and heard about attractive women who've conscientiously dieted, who are unfortunately insecure and feel unattractive. And I know that models and tv-types starve themselves, exercise to excess, and constantly obsess about how they look because if they look bad, they will not be able to work.

So I'm assuming the rolling-around chick in the commercial was one of those people. I'm just assuming of course, I don't know her, and probably never will.

I finally made it to Sonotheque tonight (located on Chicago east of Ashland): ABSOLUTELY LAME! They're described as an "elegant lounge which exudes a glamorous ambience" with "prominent DJs, of both local and international distinction." I saw NONE of that. The music was all top-40, pop and hip hop trash that sounded like it was programmed by a corporate radio station. What's nuts is that we had to pay a cover for supposedly "talented" dj's who did nothing more than press buttons on their computers and did not mix any of the music, just played one lame song after another. They had no clue what good music was, or even understood what a dj is supposed to do. I kept wondering if they were going to move on to decent club music, but there was absolutely none of it. A completely sophomoric effort by totally uninformed amateurs.

The Sonotheque that people rave about did not exist at all tonight. It was a rip off and a lie.

I looked up a bunch of people at Linked In, and found some folks from high school who are very successful. A couple of them have followed their passions since that time, and have ended up being financially comfortable (and perhaps well-off) while well-employed. A had a good friend in high school who I haven't seen in years, and have totally lost touch with them. The last time I saw them was at my 10th reunion, where we spoke briefly. We really didn't have much in common anymore, and they had already begun to experience success to the point that they had a sort of "attitude" from their rise.

Well now they are very successful and deal with powerful people, and they are involved in such intellectual (and profitable) work that even the website of the company they work at contains language that almost obscures what kind of work they do. It's as if the company (which maybe should be called "firm" because it sounds more fancy) assembled people from the best universities in the world and allowed them to continue speaking their academic language so that they can harness it for powerful and profitable associations.

I saw that people have become vice presidents or business owners (using marketing language to get clients), or have acquired complex titles for prestigious companies. Seeing what people are doing made me wonder about ambition. I'm motivated to do stuff and not waste my time, but I'm not motivated to acquire power or wealth, so can someone still be ambitious without those desires?

Some women seem to get along with guys, but they actually derive power from such associations, like "Hey, look at me! I'm hanging out with all these guys! I'm so great and different!" Some like the buzz of being surrounded by guys, some like to incite jealousy from other women because they are able to "click" with guys in such a way that other women "can't", and some seek out approval from guys, whether they're friends or flirtations. I remember a "friend" who wanted approval from guys so badly, she would give guys a pass for any jerky thing they did, but whoa to any chick who was the least bit "challenging" to her! You were off her list! Or she would always have excuses for not spending time with any chicks, but she had plenty of time to hang out with guys! Because she was wanted and desired, and that's all that mattered!

The great thing about working at home is there are absolutely no office politics to deal with, and you also can interact with who you want instead of putting up with annoying or destructive people. But what's weird about working at home is sometimes I get so used to being alone that when I interact with people, I feel like I've been hanging out in another segment of space. I might have chances talk to random people, but I feel like they're going to sense that I've been spending much of the day alone, so they'll think I'm weird or something. Or sometimes I'll get so used to being alone, that even if I want to interact with people, I'll suddenly feel like it's not worth it just because--there's really no reason, other than not interacting would be a continuation of being alone. In other words, it's hard to get motivated, even though I like being social.

Another downside is procrastination. I have no one coming by my "desk" to see if I've finished my work. But at the same time, I know when the work is due, so I can do it when I want as long as it's in on time. I can also wear whatever I want when I'm doing my work--right now I'm wearing ripped jeans and a bland shirt, and I'm fine with it.

I know a few people who work at home and love it because they can focus on their work and control their social interaction. But sometimes it's nice to hear the buzz of an office or see people doing things. But I've also been in situations where I've worked in a company, but either no one was around or my job didn't require any interaction with anyone else, so it really didn't differ much from working at home. So the effort to look presentable and endure the commute wasn't worth it.

Right now I feel cut off, but soon I will be interacting with people, so I should snap out of this disconnected feeling.

This past winter has been really great because I've worked with some excellent people and have learned a lot. At one point, I was so busy and consumed with what I was doing, the darkness and coldness of the winter never got me down.

Last winter was awful. So much stuff happened, it became a huge wave that overwhelmed me. I bought lots of CD's, walked around freezing Lincoln Park and downtown in a daze, and suffered the immaturity of others because I was trying to ease the pain.

But one day, as I was waiting for a sushi order to be ready, I realized that sometimes pain is good. Pain makes us feel human, makes us alive, and it can make us look at ourselves and make changes. Yes, the pain was intense, and since that day, I have not again felt the depth of such pain. I guess I had to face the sharpness to go through it, which lessened the pain.

Today I had to deal with some difficult stuff, and I felt myself trying to create a shield against the growing pain. But then I remembered that I was alive, and any pain was a natural part of being human, and it would pass. All I kept thinking was, "I am in pain, but I am alive, and life is great." Pain can be a way to celebrate how complete we can be.

But for some reason, heartbreak is a pain that doesn't seem to go away. It dissipates, but it can be a gnawing feeling, and even when we think it's gone, it returns with a pang when a reminder of it appears. Heartbreak is hard to cut off, and feels like a stream that never ends. Pain is sharp, but heartbreak changes its shape.

I had an encounter with one of the best companies--I hope they don't go public and become greedy jerks! Or if they do go public, I hope they keep their good vibe, though that's probably unlikely.

A few people own it, and there are freelancers (including my husband) and salaried employees doing design and production work, so it's an inherently creative business. It's in a former warehouse, and the interior is open and sylish--no cubicles! There are desks all around, and people are actually working--not gossiping and acting stupid, but are actually focusing on work they are qualified for. They are also smart and motivated and are excited about what they're doing--another shocker! A couple people bring their dogs there, and other people either walk around the large space or use scooters (the ones that look like skateboards) to get around. There is no dress code, so they wear jeans and t-shirts or fancier clothes--whatever they want!

Last night, something happened that I've never seen or heard of before: they put up walls to display people's art, because a number of people do fine art and photography on the side. They also had a party with drinks and food. It was actually fun, and I met some very interesting, smart people. Imagine working with interesting, smart people who are motivated to work, and have agreeable personalities. And who are creative. Imagine that--because it hardly exists anywhere!

I also met one of the owners, who actually told me that he *wants* to have a creative, good atmosphere, and enjoys having a boutique business. He *wants* to maintain a good work environment. He even laughed *and appreciated* my comments about typical companies that are dry and try to suck the life out of their employees (if they haven't already laid them off). I actually enjoyed talking to him, as if we were at a non-work-related party.

Is this possible? An owner who encourages creativity, intelligence, independence, who is easy to talk to and wants people to be the same? And employees who you actually want to interact with, who appreciate interesting endeavors and conversation? It wasn't a dream--it was real, and I wouldn't mind working at such a place--will I ever be able to find one? I doubt it!

I was in a cafe on Division in the Wicker Park/Bucktown area, where a lot of artistic types dwell (mixed in among the increasing amount of yuppies), and I saw a guy and a girl. They weren't going out, I don't think, but I really couldn't tell because they seemed to know each other well. I think they at least worked together, but I wasn't sure what he did--teaching? freelance stuff? both? Whatever--the point is that he's sort of scary.

This is why: he seems laid back, but he's not. He actually seemed like a jerk, in a passive-aggressive way. He was talking a lot, and when she talked, he put her down. He also seemed distant and had no interest in connecting with her. Jerk!

I've noticed that some guys, especially if they want to be successful bohemian types, will appear laid back, but they really aren't. They're actually dying to freak out, but if they do, it will blow their cover. So they keep whatever ugliness is going to emerge under control, and instead, they distance themselves from others and say rude things in a quiet way, so that their words go below the other person's radar.

I know what laid back is--I'm not fundamentally laid back, but my husband really is, and it takes extreme things for him to break out of it. He's very mellow, and it's for real.

But these guys are not the real deal--there's a lot of stuff lurking beneath the surface, and I don't want to find out what will set them off. And I don't think chicks should go out with them, either.

Since radio is a dying industry and I might not get to work in it as much as I'd like to, I was thinking that I would like to work with intelligent, driven people (ie, who have a good work ethic), in a job that is stimulating and varied. I would also like to not deal with political bs. Please. Office politics can kill a normal environment.

I got a taste of what it's like to be in a positive situation, and I want more of it. So if it's not going to be radio, I hope it's out there somewhere for me.


I'm just stating this for the record, as part of an effort to make it come true :D

For some reason, I was in the Silent World for what seems like a long time. I think it might have lasted for five years or more. I don't want to work with people all the time, but I don't want to be sitting in front of a computer screen never having to speak at all. It's fine for introverted types, but not for me.

The reason why I'm thinking of it is because after the internship is over, and if I don't get the interesting job I'm going for, I'm going to be able to easily slip back into the Silent World of translating, editing, and doing whatever--maybe office work, which is usually solitary and silent. I teach a class, so that's not silent at all, but I'm not the type to teach all the time because it can make me feel too "exposed" and can be draining at times.

I was reading some blogs written by people who love to work alone, and it reminded me of the Silent World. There are a lot of people working at their computers at home or in an office, and they participate in the Silent World successfully: they post at blogs and message boards, and they don't need interaction with humans in 3D. They also don't need to work away from a computer, but I do. I also need to talk and participate in stimulating conversation. People aren't just words to me but are also alive, and offline.

So I'll see where I'm at next month. I still have lot of Silent Work to finish, so I better get going.

This is something I've noticed and did when I was younger, though luckily it didn't stay with me to the point that I ended up marrying out of fakeness: acting a certain way to maintain a facade to please guys so they won't reject you.

I'm not talking about abuse, I'm talking about women who appear a certain way to not reveal any flaws, so that they seem like statues, pleasing and diminishing who they are to become what they think a guy wants them to be.

We also see this in celebrity circles: a famous guy will marry a model, and then she'll flip out, and they'll get divorced (I'm simplifying the example, I know). What I think happens is that after the model smiles and holds herself in a way to be most pleasing to the guy, she eventually can't keep up the act, and she starts to show emotional needs, and the guy is like, "Hey, why are you acting that way? I don't want to deal with any of this." He was attracted to what she created for him, the image she presented was flawless, and that's what he went for. And then she started demanding attention or whatever, and he can't take the reality. So they have problems, and eventually split up.

I've seen this in various situations. Even in the bohemian area of Chicago, where people are more "natural." I saw a couple out to dinner, and the chick was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and I suspect she was dressed that way because he was. She also barely ate, and she acted distant, because the guy was that way. So she was decreasing herself to fit with him. And she probably didn't eat much because she wanted to remain rail-thin so he would still find her attractive.

There's a chick on Mythbusters who I suspect is doing a similar thing: she's probably smart and most likely talented, since it's a more technical show with mostly guys. But she acts sort of ditzy and seems insecure, and I think it's because she doesn't want to be who she really is lest she is perceived as something different than what guys expect.

I wonder what would happen if women quit trying to deny who they are and showed their brains and individuality. They'd probably experience some rejection, but the paradigm for what is attractive would probably change as well. Though the media images of perfection will never go away. So they're always up against that.

I've been sitting in a chair doing work and have barely moved. Before that, I was lying down, feeling like I had magnets within me that were pulling me to the earth. If I lay still, everything was fine. If I got up to try to do things, I felt awful, like there was a virus that was weighing me down. I don't have a cold, but I have something. Maybe the very long days have caught up with me. I have been exerting absolute energy, trying to do a lot and get ahead, and I think it's backfiring. This whole magnet feeling hit me yesterday, but I had to work until early evening, so I ignored it, thinking it would be solved with sleep. But now the magnet isn't letting me run around. And it's freezing outside, too.

Usually winters in Chicago are awful, and today is no exception: it's totally freezing outside and the wind makes it worse. Even though I love walking around downtown, it's quite difficult and possibly dangerous to do so.

But this winter is possibly the best I've ever had, and if not ever, then the best in a long time. People who are at the top of their game have given me very positive feedback and I'm moving forward. Sometimes you work hard and not much happens, and sometimes you work hard and people who "matter" notice, and you can progress to better stuff.

I still can't believe good stuff is happening, but I'm totally psyched and very appreciative that I have some very decent people in my life.

There's a newspaper in town that I've grown attached to, and there are going to be layoffs, and there are even rumors of its complete demise.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT.

A major part of the problem, which I bluntly told someone who's connected to folks there, is that some of the rich, greedy owners essentially stole millions of dollars in complicated schemes that would take a while for my tired mind to figure out. But they were tried and are going to some country club-type of prison, and had to pay a fraction of what they siphoned.

Let's be honest here: rich, greedy people who have no ethics and think they are entitled to their company's money to buy expensive homes and throw lavish parties for their wives and girlfriends will eventually destroy their employees' lives. There are many people who've worked hard to progress to that level and support themselves or a family, only to find out that they are going to lose their jobs because the people who were supposed to take care of the company have pilfered it.

A few years in a prison is not enough. They should liquidate all their assets and use it to restore the newspaper. What is wrong with people? Daddy didn't buy them enough ponies to satisfy their cravings for attention and power?

I'm going to say this publicly, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who's brought it up: Christmas trains consumers so they stay attached to it forever.

A lot of kids love Christmas because they get presents and eat tasty food. But I think it's the present part that is the most important. Then, when they get older, they still love it because it brings back memories. Of presents. People won't admit to that, because by the time they're adults, they don't obsess about receiving presents as much as when they were kids. But I think the love of the holiday is subconsciously a remembrance of getting many gifts throughout many years of childhood. Even the more crusty people I know love Christmas. They say they like the season, but I think it's because when they were kids, they were stuffed with so many presents, that the consumer culture created an unbreakable bond with the holiday.

Let's be honest: we live in one of the richest, most consumeristic, money-driven countries in the world. Do you really think that all these people are in love with Christmas because of the family and community spirit, Peace on Earth, and other such sentiments?

If people really cared about the togetherness that Christmas "creates", then they wouldn't be such self-absorbed jerks the rest of the year.

One of the advertisers of the morning show I'm interning for is Gibson's, which is one of the best steak places in Chicago. Yesterday they came and left some of the best food I've ever had. Usually, people think that good breakfast food is eggs and pancakes or whatever, but this was the best breakfast: high quality, medium rare STEAK that came in three cuts, baked potatoes, mushrooms, asparagus, broccoli, and a massive carrot cake. It was seriously a very fine meal, the same high quality that you get at the restaurant. I was so incredibly hungry, so I savored everything as I ate enough to last me several hours. I don't eat steak often, but dang, that was incredibly good, cooked perfectly.

It's a great incentive to wake up at 2 in the morning. And what's cool is the day before, my favorite pizza place, Lou Malnati's, dropped off some pizzas for us, including my fave, spinach. So it's been a couple of good mornings.

I read about that teenager who hung herself over a MySpace jerk, and what I didn't understand was why the journalist who wrote the original story didn't say who created the fake page and essentially caused that girl's death. Now that bloggers have outed the evil mother, I've seen the anger online and have read about the neighbors' outrage, and I'm sort of glad people care so much.

I think it's because people identify with that dead teen. Sometimes people totally screw you over, and you feel bad and want revenge, but can't do anything. In this case, there's a dead girl, her parents are about to be divorced, and there's chaos all around. But at least there seems to be some kind of justice. I hope that mother continues to get what she deserves.